Diary Note

One of the the religious influences I encountered in recovery came online. I felt good about it but also felt I know this. What about the other demented LOL side to my thinking wh isn't really demented at all? It's real and I am real and I have faith in myself and I can create my own destiny - I am not God but I am in charge of my life to pay my bills and decide about deciding the right direction to meet and achieve my goals.

My facilitator wanted me to respond to the 12 steps and particularly "Coming to Believe" (which I thought was in myself as it turned out it was in a HE GOD -ouch! did i write that?!) as he compared this feeling of coming to beleive to the verses in the bible Romans 1:18-20. I thought to myself I am aware I am educated and I can tell him in a story my 12 step journey as do many christian advocates and still walk away with it is not enough for me to just know him but to also know who I am today.

Here is my response:

We came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. Saying that we "came to believe" suggests a process. Belief is the result of consideration, doubt, reasoning, and concluding. It involves emotion and logic. It leads to actions. We start with our experience and see what doesn't work. We listen to the small voice that says thank God (truth). Grant you this I do thank God but today for you and not me God is instinctive he is powerful to help us with our weakness and that power restores our sanity. For me I work at doing that not an invisible being within or above me and certianly not you - without a flint of anger. Ah! My ma would be so proud! For you we acknowledge and see others that have struggled and they too were unable to heal themselves. You ask me was it God's power that changed me? No, it was my struggle I am also accountable for and my faith in medication and therapy and healthy foods and excercise and me that pulled me through the worst ungodly situation one can feel - dont' test me on that! Yes, I pray prayers of gratitude that I loved by my family and friends and lover. He/She should love me - I expect that! I know now I am safe I am loved I am free of being a victim powerless to hatred of thself and loathing others and evicted from love because of a paranoia from drug use which is not human. I am free from self loathing today tommorrow I may not be - maybe it's a curse. But today I am free from those who seek to deceive and destroy me. Believe and live in your own words to see the glorious light of good news that is shining upon me, you, and all of us and seek out others to help you redefine the bad that we think we feel and conclude about life friendships and people that piss me off - are you asking me if God does not live there. I I beleived in God he/she would be a pretty intelligent person and capable of having a conversation about a "B' flick movie! Recovery is a journey not a destination and he replied Don't tell God how big your addiction is tell your addiction how big God is. I replied I will love the light for it shows me the way yet I will endure the darkness for it shows me the stars. Today is a gift that is why it is called the present.